Bittersweet
by Skryll
Summary: Two years ago Squall lost Rinoa in a car accident. Two years on the guilt still plagues him. Will Irvine be able to break down Squall's barriers and give him a second chance at a relationship?


Disclaimer: Don't own anything about FF8.

BITTERSWEET

Skryll 2008

Warning: Male/male relations lie ahead. If this is not your thing or if you are underage please leave now. I did warn you!

========= Squall's POV =========

Attraction. The natural ability to be drawn to somebody or something simply by a chemical, physical, spiritual or emotional connection.

Desire. The natural need to possess a particular item or person. It can also be noted that this can be called lust in the form of sexual attraction.

Hope. The blind faith people place in something either as a sign of hope or as a wish for the courage to continue.

At least I still have the last one to my name, but somehow I see little comfort in it. It's all over. Gone. Now I'm just grasping at memories and scrabbling for a way to resurrect the past.

It wasn't fair. Fate is such a cruel lady, paired with the Lady Luck and devoid from the womb of Tragedy. It never had to come to this. It never had to come to a bouquet of flowers and silent wishes for her soul to reach heaven. At least that was what I thought when I lost Rinoa. It was an accident. We were on a date together when a speeding SUV appeared. She threw me out of the way and was hit herself. A selfless sacrifice.

Why then? Why would she save someone like me? I'm heartless. The Ice Prince. A loveless creature lost without her. Pathetic.

Perhaps... I would be better off if I were not breathing... If I were dead....

-  
========= Irvine's POV =========

Is this where the best friend steps in to save one without hope? Squall got worse after Rinoa died. A part of him died that night those months ago. It wasn't his fault. It was the driver's. It's the drunken idiot's fault that Rin isn't here to smile at Squall and tell him that everything will be okay. And maybe that's what kills Squall the most... or maybe what hurts me is to see the shadows left.

It doesn't matter how many times I try to console him. He wouldn't turn to Balamb's own flirtatious cowboy. He wouldn't turn to me. Heh, rather sad that I'm even writing this. Maybe it's my own lament to Rin. She was a sweet girl. A fraction slow on the uptake and her mental abilities left much to be desired but she did try her best. They were good together. Rinoa and Squall. Ice and the spring which stole the bittersweet chill of winter away.

Now Squall has become a ghost of the past. He barely acknowledges anyone's presence, sticking to his Headmasterly duties. Fill this out, sign that, respond to that email, write that letter. He's damn well chained himself to his own desk. Idiot. Fool. Blind and stupid. Heh, that sure sounds like the Commander we all used to know. Not even Selphie's overtly cheery behaviour can melt the ice around him. If he keeps on like this I swear I will just put him out of his misery and shoot him myself.

-  
========= Squall's POV =========

It doesn't matter how often Irvine tries to console me. He isn't a replacement for Rinoa. He isn't her... He's so much more. He's wild and unkept. Untamed and free, while I am bound to duty. He's my enigma. My other half... and perhaps a part of me is saying that I could have him. But Rinoa...

It's not like I don't consider him attractive, because I do. But to be with him feels like a betrayal of Rinoa. It feels like I'm defiling her memory. Raping what little I have left in my mind of her. It's sick. A psychological play of power within my subconscious. Bittersweet torture.

Maybe this is to be my grave...

-  
========= Irvine's POV =========

Strange... I haven't seen Squall make an appearance in the Cafeteria for quite some time, not to mention actually getting lunch and gracing us with his presence. He seems... sad and out of it. I wonder what I can do...

"Hey Squall"

"...What?"

Well if that isn't a way to slam off a conversation. Talk about closing your options!

"Feel like a movie at my place tonight? I've got beer. We could just... y'know... spend some time together. I haven't had the chance to hang around with you for a bit."

Everyone perks up at the suggestion.

"Can we come?" Selphie asks, eyes shining with tears of hope.

"No. Not everyone. Just Irvine. I'll come over tonight but Irvine you had better make it worth my while. I have work to do so I expect this to be... productive."

Wow. Rude and accepting. This could be my chance to shoot a hole in the ice around his heart.

"Sure thing darlin'. Any movie?"

"...whatever..."

... Somehow this seems like a hopeless cause.

"I'll just get a selection and you can pick."

Hm... would he run if I threw some porn or a gay movie in? Hm... I think I should play it safe at least for this time.

"So my place about 7?" I ask with a grin on my lips.

"7 will be fine. And... no porn." He replies not even making eye contact. I feign horror just for dramatics.

"Why Squall, however did you guess? I'm SOOOO shocked!"

Squall rolls his eyes and walks away. Okay, so no porn for frigid man. But he DIDN'T rule out a gay movie.

"No gay movies either Irvine!" I hear being shouted from the door. W...T...F... Is he telepathic? Shaking my head I excuse myself and march my mirthful (who the heck still uses that word really? Wait... I just did) way out of Balamb. I don't have classes for the rest of the day so I take the opportunity to swipe into the local video store. For the record I DO make it a personal policy NOT to rent porn from here. I don't particularly like the idea of having a record of my 'viewings' left on a database that Selphie could probably hack into drunk. That, and well taking out the whole porn collection for myself does seem a bit excessive.

I check out the new releases first. Hm... what is it with the Moogle film industry this year? All of these are moogle romances and seem stupid. Like anyone's going to actually rent 'Moomeo and Guliet'. It's a cheap blatant rip off of Romeo and Juliet and we all know that Romeo was SO fucking Mercutio. Well, at least that's my opinion of it. The warning label on the packaging makes me chuckle. Rated MA. Contains medium level sex scenes, medium level sexual references, nudity, violence and yet more nudity. I don't think I want to watch teenage moogles gettin' 'jiggy' with it. Especially with that 'nudity' warning. Naked moogles do NOT work well as a movie to watch with Squall. I think I'd rather get neutered.

I move onto the next shelf. 'Chocobos in Seattle'... no... 'The 'F' word'... Heck no... 'Busty babes get dirty: wild and uncut!'... WTF? How the fuck did I manage to get from new releases to the porn shelf? Right... keep calm Kinneas. Just walk away. A hand slapping onto my shoulder makes me grimace and stare up into the green eyes of Seifer.

" A little lost there cowboy?"

"Hello Seifer. Lost your herd and need me to help you find your way home?"

"Nice one Kinneas. So let me guess, Squall turned you down." Seifer smirks at me

I smirk back at him.

"Actually we're having a movie night tonight. And he doesn't know how I feel. So what brings you to the porn shelf?"

"Ah. I'm just looking for something to torture Zell with."

"Zell?"

"Yeah. He's hidden Hyperion from me again so I'm going to give him a permanent erection until he gives in."

"You're really quite the bastard but nice choice in punishment there."

"Thank you. So the Ice Queen is having some feminine bonding time with the cowboy huh? Get porn seriously. It'll be the only action you'll get."

"Try to be nice for once Seifer. Squall's not THAT frigid. You know how he's been since Rin..."

"Yeah I guess. I never heard much about that. What happened?"

"SUV. Rin shoved him outta the way and got hit. She died. Squall never got over it. Blames himself."

"Hyne that bad huh? Kinda makes me wonder if I should get him all pissed off enough to fight me just to get him to release some of that anger. Fat chance he'll go along with it though."

"Heh, you'd have better luck getting a reaction out of a bar of soap."

"Wow, that's pretty bad. He really loved her didn't he?"

"Yeah. It was true love. Anyway, I need to pick out a few videos. Finally managed to get him to consent to some time together so I'm using this for all it's worth."

"Good choice"

Seifer flips me the thumbs up and I chuckle. He's not so bad once you see past the asshole personality and mental disposition that is equal to a petulant child.

"Well whatever Kinneas. Have yourself a good night."

"You too Seifer. Good luck with Zell."

"Heh, sounds like you need it more."

Seifer grabs a few DVD's off the porn shelf and heads to the front counter to pay. That still doesn't tell me what movie to get for tonight... I'll just grab one off the new releases shelf and hope that it doesn't turn out to be crap. Paying I leave the store and make my way back to B Garden. Hopefully something may come out of this with Squall.

========= Squall's POV ========= Why did I bother to say yes to Irvine? Nothing will come of this. His sad little attempt to cheer me up is not going to drive this coldness out of my heart. It can't erase my sins, my past, my sorrow. I'm dead to the world as I see it. I'm only waiting for my heart to stop so I can be free of my memory. My doorbell chimes and I roll my eyes. ...Great... Irvine's here. I open the door to see Irvine standing there with a six pack of beer, popcorn and a movie.

"I don't exactly know what move I picked up," he grins "But it isn't porn and it's not a gay movie."

"So you picked up a random movie off the shelf and you hope that it will suffice?"

...And I thought he had an iota of intelligence in him.

"Hey! Don't take your frustrations out on me! I didn't know what movie you'd like!"

...At least he raises a valid point...

"Very well. Let's get this charade over and done with."

-  
========= Irvine's POV =========

"Well don't sound too pleased about it will you darlin'? You make it sound like I'm teaching you to repair your socks."

Squall glares at me. Sorry Squally but that's not going to cut it with me tonight. Your glares are powerless against my greater cause of cheering you up!

"So how do we do this?"

...What?... Oh! He means how do we get this night started... I think Squall's never socialised with anyone outside of work in a long time.

"Well how about you take this bowl of popcorn and the beer and sit on the sofa while I get the DVD set up and then we can just sit and watch-"

-and maybe have sex later...

"No sex."

GODDAMN! How is he reading my mind?!

"Irvine, your pants..."

I chance a look down... oh... um... erection... right... terrific... terrible timing...

"Uh... Sorry about that. I was standing by the porn DVD's earlier in the video store and I think that did... stuff to me..."

Squall rolls his eyes then goes to sit on the sofa. Right. Think unsexy thoughts... think unsexy thoughts... Um... Seifer in a thong...Ew... Oh good. No more erection. Now to put on that DVD. I head to Squall's rather pricey home entertainment system and load the DVD on. Soon the movie is starting and I head for the sofa.

"... So what movie exactly is this?"

I look at the DVD cover... oh shit...

"Kung Fu Panda..."

Performing head-table manuveour in 3...2...1...

"You picked a kid's movie?"

"Um... well I did say that I picked the DVD blind."

"... This is not one of your finer moments."

You think? It's strange. Squall soon is relaxing into the sofa and seems almost immersed in the movie. Occasionally a soft chuckle leaves his lips and his eyes sparkle with amusement. That's about as close to being happy that Squall's been in years. Progress?

========= Squall's POV ========= Strangely the movie's proving to be amusing. I feel as if a part of myself is becoming alive... Is this joy that I'm feeling? Impossible. I'm almost dead anyway. At least Irvine's gesture at attempting to cheer me up was a nice thought... if not futile...

-  
========= Irvine's POV ========= The movie is over all too soon and Squall hasn't even touched the beer. I'm however two cans deep and not even feeling the alcohol. Squall turns to me as if he wants to say something.

"You're welcome Squall. At least I got you to laugh a little bit."

Squall glares at me and then... he smiles. Oh holy sweet mother of Hyne he's... smiling?!

"...Thanks."

Soft lips are pressed against mine and my mind does a little jig. Wait a minute... Squall's kissing me?! I pull back in shock. Squall looks confused.

"Squall, are you sure that this is what you want?"

"Want, need, can have, can't have. I don't know. Right now I want you."

"I can't have this as a one night stand Squall. This only happens if you want us to be serious."

Squall chuckles softly.

"Who would have ever thought it? Irvine the cowboy asking for commitment and a relationship?"

I grin.

"My reputation far exaggerates the truth. Sure, occasionally I do have a one night stand but not if I'm dating someone. It feels wrong to do that to a person."

Squall shakes his head in amusement. Taking slight advantage of the moment I press my lips against his and feel him lean into my touch. I'm suddenly surprised when Squall slips his tongue into my mouth to twine with mine. Right now he probably needs this control over the situation. He's gone too long living in pain and he may not be ready to walk into a new relationship. I won't push him. Squall pulls back, a light flush to his cheeks visible.

"I'm serious about this Irvine. But Rin... I just can't forget her."

"Squall, I'm not asking you to forget her. I think of her every day and I wonder what she would say if she was here to you. Know this Squall. Rinoa truly did love you and she pushed you out of the way that night because she didn't want you to die. She wants you to live, not to slowly kill yourself with grief. These things take time, sure, and I'm willing to wait."

Squall's eyes swim with uncertainty and hope.

"I'll wait with you. All I ask of you Squall is whether you will go out with me?"

Squall closes his eyes and a shaky breath flows from his lungs.

"...Yes."

I draw him into a hug, burying my face against his neck. He slowly winds his arms around my waist and leans into my touch.

"Squall," I murmur against his ear. "Thank you"

========= Squall's POV ========= It's amasing how it takes years to build up your barriers and close up your heart... and only one person to undo it all. Bit by bit I'm feeling again. Joy... sadness... hope... and Hyne maybe the beginnings of love. I don't know what happens from here. I don't know if this will end well. I do know that sometimes moments in our life are bittersweet. It can take a loss to bring you to where you need to be. Rin... please forgive me for everything...

"... Do you think she'll forgive me? Forgive us?"

I ask the question to Irvine softly. He smiles into my shoulder and leans back so I'm looking at his face.

"Squall, I think she'll be happy for us."

THE END

Authoress' notes: Good god it's been far too long since I last posted up a fanfiction. No smut in this one I'm afraid. I actually wrote most of this ages ago and then I found it in my unfinished fanfiction archive on my near dying laptop and I decided to finish it off today instead of spending any more hours doing my holiday homework. I did four hours on that today. Fanfiction time now or I go insane. I hope you have enjoyed reading this!


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